


This is the first (thing I remember)/Now it’s the last (thing left on my mind)

by Lie2theTruth



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Angst, Break up just to make up, Eventual Romance, M/M, Post-Split Panic! at the Disco, maybe eventual smut, who knows with me tbh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-01-31 19:41:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21246530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lie2theTruth/pseuds/Lie2theTruth
Summary: Sometimes people show up unexpectedly in your life and kinda fuck things up, but this could all work out if Ryan and Brendon stop being idiots! (Love them but sorry)
Relationships: Ryan Ross/Brendon Urie, Ryden - Relationship
Comments: 5
Kudos: 5





	1. Don't Believe The Hype

**Author's Note:**

> Some liberties were taken when writing this story because please remember this is fiction! The following is how I see the Ryden relationship and their respective personalities.

It was Christmas in Vegas, one of Ryan’s favorite times of the year. He’d never wanted a white Christmas- the desert suited him just fine.

He was staying with his parents like usual. They didn’t do anything fancy, but that’s how he liked it. He was really a simple guy.

The day after Christmas he sat on the couch flipping through the TV channels when he heard a knock on the door. He didn’t think his parents were expecting visitors, but it could be one of his mom’s cousins. Since both his parents were out he opened the door himself.

He could not have been more surprised to find out who was on the other side.

“Hey, Ry.”

“Uh, Brendon? What are you doing here? More importantly how did you know I was here?”

“Jon.”

_Traitor. _Ryan thought to himself. Out loud he said, “Oh okay. Umm… do you want to come inside?”

The other boy simply nodded and followed Ryan towards the living room.

Ryan stood there for a moment, feeling a bit panicked. He hadn’t seen this guy in years and now they were alone together? What the actual fuck.

“Do you want something to drink? Maybe water or something stronger?”

“No I’m okay.” Brendon sat on the very edge of the couch. He was obviously uncomfortable as well. But then again he was the one who chose to come here.

It would be best for both of them if Ryan went ahead and sat down as well. He got comfortable on the opposite side of the sofa.

“How have you been?” Ryan began a bit tentatively. “How’s Sarah?”

“I don’t know. We have been separated for a month now.”

“Really? Oh my god. That sucks.” He tried to look sympathetic, but he didn’t feel like he was doing a good job. He was a singer not an actor.

“Yeah. She wants a divorce.”

Poor Brendon sounded like a robot when he spoke. This was not the guy Ryan remembered from their high school years. Brendon was always crazy and animated. He made everyone laugh.

“Is there something I can do to help?”

“I was hoping I could stay with you. I need to lay low and you have mastered the art of being mysterious.” Finally he cracked a small smile, which made Ryan feel warm and fuzzy inside.

“Well yeah, sure. I don’t think my parents would mind. Because this is probably the best place to hide.”

“They don’t hate me?”

“Who? My mom and dad? No.”

Brendon looked doubtful, but didn’t press the issue.

“So do you want to talk about it? Or nah.”

Again Ryan’s question was met with silence. On one hand it frustrated him that Brendon completely interrupted his life like this and he wouldn’t give him a good reason why. But on the other hand he still loved this boy very deeply. And it hurt to see him hurt.

Ryan reached over and grabbed Brendon’s hand. He expected the other to pull away- he didn’t.

“Bren…” he said softly. “Please talk to me.”

“I can’t. Not yet,” Brendon replied. His voice cracked slightly as if he was trying not to cry.

Ryan nodded and kept a hold of the other’s hand.

They sat in silence for a long, long time until Ryan’s mom and dad came home. He heard them opening the door and ran to meet them. They were going to be a bit surprised with the new houseguest.

“Hey, umm Brendon’s here and he needs a place to stay. Is that okay?” he asked.

Both of them were very much surprised, but quickly agreed. Brendon had stood up from his spot on the couch and was waiting to greet them.

Much to everyone’s surprise Mrs. Ross gave Brendon a huge hug. Mr. Ross followed with a firm handshake and a pat on the back. Both retreated into the kitchen to fix dinner.

“Do they know what happened?” Brendon asked softly.

“Sort of?” Ryan didn’t know exactly what had happened himself and he’d been there.

Silence again. Ryan wish he knew how to make things less awkward.

“Let’s go somewhere,” Brendon finally said.

“Where?”

“You know where.”

Oh god. He did know where. This was already weird day was about to get even weirder.

—————————-

Ryan climbed out of his car, his long legs unfolding as he stood up. He looked around and was suddenly assaulted with hundreds of memories. It was a hole-in-the-wall dive bar that had long since been boarded up. It was the place where their band- now just Brendon’s- played their very first show. Also it was a place where many drunken nights out were spent before they could afford to go to any of the nicer places in Vegas.

“Well, we’re here,” he stated. Brendon simply nodded. He didn’t move an inch other than that.

“Bren, we can’t go in. You know that right?” Ryan spoke slowly because he was suddenly questioning the other boy’s sanity.

“We can.” Brendon pulled out one small key from his pocket and went to remove the padlock that was keeping the front doors closed.

“How the fuck did you get that?”

“I bought the place. A few years ago,” Brendon simply shrugged as if it was no big deal. To Ryan, however, it was a huge deal.

The lock came undone and fell to the ground. Bren walked in like he owned the place, which technically he did. Ryan followed at a safe distance since he wasn’t sure about the state of the place. Even 15 years ago or so the place was a wreck.

Once his eyes adjusted to the darkness, Ryan realized that the bar was actually pretty clean in sparsely furnished. The booths and benches looked pretty new, too.

“Were you planning on opening this up again or something?” It wasn’t often that Ryan was the chatty one of the two. But Brendon was hardly giving anything away so really he had no choice.

Not surprisingly the other didn’t answer this question either. Brendon just turned on a small lamp in the corner and sat down at the bar.

With a sigh Ryan did the same. He sat tentatively on the stool, which also turned out to be pretty sturdy.

They lapsed into silence again and it was pretty uncomfortable. Ryan decided to not say anything until Brendon did some explaining. Obviously his former bandmate was not going to be prompted into doing so by him asking questions.

The entire place was so quiet that when Brendon cleared his throat Ryan nearly fell off the stool.

“I missed you.”

Ryan bit his lip. He’d wanted to hear those words for the longest time and now that Brendon had finally said them…

“You’re about ten years too late for that, Bren. Look you can hide out with me if you want, but you can’t just come back into my life and expect to sweet talk me into forgiving you.”

To his surprise Brendon gave him one of his patented smirks. “I know. But I thought I’d try.”

“You’re an asshole you know that?” As soon as the words left his mouth Ryan regretted them. It might have been the truth, however now was probably not the time for name calling.

“I know that, too. I deserve it.” Brendon’s smirk turned into a sad smile. “It took me too fucking long to realize how miserable I was.”

“You were ‘dying in L.A.’?”

The other let out a harsh laugh. “Pretty much.”

“Were we really that happy ten years ago, though?”

They were both probably having the same flashbacks of fights they’d had over the direction of the band. Ryan’s music style had always been different from Brendon’s, but they had been able to make it work for awhile. Until it all fell apart.

“We could have been. If I hadn’t fucked up.”

Ryan averted his eyes. He knew what fuck up the other had been referencing.

“It’s not your fault you weren’t ready to be out and I was too pushy. I was really, really selfish.”

“I wish I could have given you what you wanted.”

“What I still want,” Ryan whispered.

“Do you really still want me after all this shit? I did my damnedest to pretend you didn’t exist for the longest time. And I succeeded for a while.”

He decided not to answer. This conversation was already hurting too much.

Brendon broke the silence again. “I have stocked some alcohol in here somewhere. Do you want something?”

Ryan nodded and the other boy went to work on fixing drinks for the pair of them. Brendon didn’t have to ask what Ry wanted. He already knew.


	2. Intermission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A very short chapter because I wanted to write something and post it. This was as far as I got.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have recently learned a bit more about Ryan thanks to the interview he did for his friend’s podcast. So the whole thing about him staying with his parents isn’t realistic, but oh well. And also Ryan is sober (good for him!!) so this isn’t realistic either. Moving on.

About four drinks later Ryan was a little more relaxed. That wasn’t saying much since Brendon Urie, the love of his life for the past decade or so, was sitting right next to him. They’d moved from the bar to the really dusty floor- their legs just slightly touching. Brendon also gave up on mixing drinks; instead they passed a bottle of whiskey between them. 

As they were descending into drunkenness they had no shortage of things to talk about. Mainly their past shenanigans when Panic was just starting out. Ryan recounted the story of contacting Pete Wentz out of the blue. Even though Brendon had heard the story a million times before and Ryan was definitely slurring his words, he listened like he was hearing it for the first time. 

Ryan was so out of it when the bottle of whiskey was finished that he didn’t noticed Brendon had lapsed into silence again. He’d just been rambling on about god knows what for what seemed like forever when he looked at his former bandmate. 

“Bren, are you asleep?” he whisper yelled that drunk people are known to do. 

“No,” the other replied. He met Ryan’s gaze with a very small and even sadder smile. “We should get you home, though.”

“What? Are you serious? I don’t want to go home!” Ryan stood up so suddenly he practically fell back down to the floor. “I can’t go home like this.” 

Brendon nodded. “There’s a couch in the back. You can sleep there. I’ll sleep on the floor.” 

“So you’re not gonna leave me?”

“No I’m not.” 

Ryan let himself be led towards the couch. He plopped down and as soon as his eyes were closed he felt a blanket being placed on top of him. Then he fell asleep. 

————-

He woke up with a start, not knowing where he was or how long he’d slept for. Ryan looked around and his eyes landing on Brendon’s sleeping form laid curled up on the floor. It didn’t even look like he had a blanket. 

Ryan slid onto the floor as quietly as he could and covered both of them up. Despite his common sense telling him not to, he pressed himself against Brendon’s back and wrapped an arm around him. The other barely stirred. But as Ryan drifted back to sleep again he felt Brendon’s hand grab his. 

He never thought they’d sleep like this again.


	3. You've Got Two Black Eyes from Loving too Hard.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas (if you celebrate it) have some angst.

The first thing to hit Ryan the next morning was the hangover. It made his head pound so hard he thought his eyes might pop out. Following that was the realization that he’d just broken a very long sobriety streak. That explained the headache and dehydration. He shifted slowly towards where Brendon was laying only to find him gone.

This was a familiar scene. Ryan always woke up to an empty bed when they’d spent the night together. Now he was waking up alone on the floor. That was pretty much a downgrade. He shut his eyes again trying to get force his aching head to calm down enough for him to get up and leave. It couldn’t happen fast enough.

“Hey.” Hmm that was new- hallucinating Brendon’s voice had never happened before.

“Ryan, wake up.” There it was again. God he was definitely never having another alcoholic drink in his life.

“I’m serious, Ry. Wake up.” Ryan opened his eyes to find Brendon staring at him barely inches from his face.

“Whaddya want?” he mumbled.

“I thought you’d died or something.” There was actually a tone of worry in the other’s voice that made Ryan believe he hadn’t been joking.

“ ‘m alive. Barely.”

“Come on. Sit up. I have some water and advil for you to take.” Brendon sensed that Ryan would need some help accomplishing this task, so he put his arm behind him for support.

Ryan took the water and drank it down in one go which left him to dry-swallow the pills. That was no big deal for him.

The water made it easier for him to talk. “I’d thought you’d left again.”

“I said I wouldn’t” Brendon countered.

“You’ve lied before.”

Brendon met Ryan’s accusing gaze with apologetic eyes. “I know. It’s a bad habit I have.”

If the advil had started to work already then Ryan would have rolled his eyes, but his head still hurt too much for that.

“I was sober for years until you got me drunk last night.” Apparently he was on a roll- blaming everything on Brendon. Ryan really wanted a reaction from him. Something other than this pathetic “I suck” shit he was pulling. It didn’t feel right.

Brendon was silent. It looked like the only way he’d fight back was if Ryan actually psychically hurt him. Which right now, he wasn’t totally above doing.

“I hate you like this,” Ryan finally blurted out.

“Like what?”

“Stop acting like the bad guy when we both know I hurt you too. You should fucking hate me. You shouldn’t want to see me right now. Hell I fucking hate me for what I did.” With each word Ryan’s voice got an octave higher and a lot more hysterical until he was heaving trying to catch his breath. He could see the headline now, “Former Panic! at the Disco member dies of a panic attack at an abandoned bar.” How fucking ironic.

“But I don’t hate you. I understand why you reacted the way you did. I’m not saying it didn’t hurt, but I forgave you a long time ago. I just wish you could forgive yourself.”

Ryan’s breathing finally normalized, but the panic attack left him in tears. He collapsed onto Brendon’s chest, nearly knocking him backwards.

“They were songs we wrote together and I burned them like they were nothing. They’re gone forever now.” He thought back to the day the band decided to part ways. Outwardly it was civil, if a bit shrouded in mystery. But Ryan had completely broken down when Brendon asked to use the songs they’d done together on the next Panic album. He’d run from the room to grab the notebook where they’d painstakingly perfected each lyric. He then acted like he was going to turn it over. Instead he took out his lighter and burned it right in front of Brendon, shocking both of them so much that the room they were in almost caught on fire.

“There will be chances to write new stuff,” Brendon said calmly, rubbing Ryan’s back like he was a child.

“Why would you want to? I’m just…”

“Shut it, Ry. Who’s playing the bad guy now, huh? Let it go. I don’t want you carrying that self-imposed burden anymore. It’s not worth it. Especially if it’s going to make you shut me out again.”

It was true, Brendon had tried to make amends, privately, because he knew that’s what Ryan wanted. But it was just too much for him to handle. Seeing Brendon with someone else brought the sting of romantic rejection back once more. He’d selfishly wanted all of Brendon- not just to be his friend. By the time he changed his mind it was too late. Ryan was left with nothing.

“I love you, Ryan Ross. I always have and always will. I am going to say that every fucking day until you believe me. You’re not getting away so easily this time.”

Ryan was still clinging desperately to the other male. It was as if he let go of Brendon he’d slip away- because this was all a dream, right? This couldn’t actually be happening. He took a deep breath. It was time to start trusting again. He pulled back slowly and saw that it really was Brendon. Right in front of him.

“I love you, too.” It had been a long time since he’d said those words and actually meant it.

“Good,” Brendon smiled. “Now let’s get you cleaned up. You look like shit.”

Ryan let out a raspy laugh. “Thanks.”

“No problem. Then after that we’re headed to the studio. You owe me some songs.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspiration strikes at the strangest of times. This is me releasing some stuff I've been holding onto for too long. Thank you for reading.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. 
> 
> Please keep the following in mind after you've finished this chapter:
> 
> I am not super familiar with Ryan's home life, but I gave him supportive parents because what the hell? It gave a good starting point to the story. 
> 
> I have no problem with Brendon's real romantic life because it's his fucking life not mine. I don't wish any ill will on him or his wife. It's just a plot device. 
> 
> I just wanted to post those caveats that I am sure most of you know. Still it gives me peace of mind to say it. 
> 
> Anyway I hope you liked this first part and cross your fingers I will still have motivation if you'd like to read more!


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